Something I wrote after a fragile DBT session. PLEASE do not steal.

"If I spoke the pain inside my mind it would destroy you. If you knew how much pain was behind the anger, the scars, the laughs, you wouldn’t be able to stand it. But this is my head, I live in it. It’s my pain, my silent torture, my secret torment. If you knew what it was like to be inside my head you would run a mile and want to be rid of you, too.

When you starve yourself to get rid of the agony, to drive you to a slow and painful death. When you torture yourself by bullying your loved ones to feel alone. When you want nothing more than a massive cuddle and to be told you’re really not evil…but you know it will never happen because you are evil. When you know what it’s like to bleed and feel searing pain just to eliminate the numbness you constantly feel.

When you dance until you can’t breathe and you feel like your heart is going to give out because you want to torture yourself, you want and need to feel the pain and want that stick-thin figure. When you eat and eat and eat to try and fill the emptiness inside, to stop the pouring rain inside your soul that won’t come out from your dry eyes. When you run and run and run and never want to stop because for that moment you forget everything. When you cut so deeply that you see raw tissue and at first it doesn’t bleed because you need the satisfaction you’re doing something finally right.

When you’re made to step onto the scales with your doctor holding your hand because you can’t bear to see the horrific number appear before you. When you refuse to get treatment for your eating disorder because you want it to kill you, you need it to kill you, you need the escape. When your every thought is something negative; how everything would be better if you were dead, how everyone would be much better without you, how you’re a worthless, pathetic excuse for a human.

When your best friend’s Mum died of cancer and you sickly wished it was you. When you fight and fight and fight people and push them away because you feel utter hatred in that moment. When you lose all sense of your being; who you are, what you like, what you dislike, who you love, what your beliefs and interests are. When you can love someone so much one minute and then despise them utterly the next.

When you stop taking your prescribed medications to torture yourself because you just can’t take it anymore. You swallow every single tablet in sight to try and stop the thoughts, to get rid of your already-dead-inside corpse. When you turn round to yourself in the mirror and cry for hours at your reflection because you despise every inch of your being when you cling onto everything you love in your life even though you’ve pushed it away so far it’s too late. When you wake up in the morning in tears because you woke up again to face another day of torture, only then can you say you understand."

1st February 2012, Copyright of Kat.