Let me tell you a few home truths about me.

I am paranoid
I am low
I am pathetic
I am lonely

I am lousy
I am miserable
I am ugly
I am a twat

I am fat
I am healthy
I am 'normal'
I am fine

To everyone else anyway
Makes out that what I say
Is just a lie

I can guarantee
You haven't met anyone else
More worthless
Than I

I can promise you
You'll meet me
Hate me
And then give up on me

If I met me
I would too
I'd claw at my brain
To get me out

You will try to help
I will rebel
I will push you
Right away

But I am needy
I am clingy
I am idiotic
I am worth shit

Because what you see
On the outside
Is not the torment
In my head

I will sit there
Silent and mute
As you prompt me
I withdraw

I think you hate me
I will panic
Hurt myself
To stop my head

I am a shadow
I am a limpet
I am a spot
That just won't go

I'm indecisive
I'm a pain
I'm a nuisance
I'm insane

I am bruised
I am hollow
I am broken
I am tired

I am a flashback
I am your worst fear
I am a nightmare
I am dust.

Something I wrote after a fragile DBT session. PLEASE do not steal.

"If I spoke the pain inside my mind it would destroy you. If you knew how much pain was behind the anger, the scars, the laughs, you wouldn’t be able to stand it. But this is my head, I live in it. It’s my pain, my silent torture, my secret torment. If you knew what it was like to be inside my head you would run a mile and want to be rid of you, too.

When you starve yourself to get rid of the agony, to drive you to a slow and painful death. When you torture yourself by bullying your loved ones to feel alone. When you want nothing more than a massive cuddle and to be told you’re really not evil…but you know it will never happen because you are evil. When you know what it’s like to bleed and feel searing pain just to eliminate the numbness you constantly feel.

When you dance until you can’t breathe and you feel like your heart is going to give out because you want to torture yourself, you want and need to feel the pain and want that stick-thin figure. When you eat and eat and eat to try and fill the emptiness inside, to stop the pouring rain inside your soul that won’t come out from your dry eyes. When you run and run and run and never want to stop because for that moment you forget everything. When you cut so deeply that you see raw tissue and at first it doesn’t bleed because you need the satisfaction you’re doing something finally right.

When you’re made to step onto the scales with your doctor holding your hand because you can’t bear to see the horrific number appear before you. When you refuse to get treatment for your eating disorder because you want it to kill you, you need it to kill you, you need the escape. When your every thought is something negative; how everything would be better if you were dead, how everyone would be much better without you, how you’re a worthless, pathetic excuse for a human.

When your best friend’s Mum died of cancer and you sickly wished it was you. When you fight and fight and fight people and push them away because you feel utter hatred in that moment. When you lose all sense of your being; who you are, what you like, what you dislike, who you love, what your beliefs and interests are. When you can love someone so much one minute and then despise them utterly the next.

When you stop taking your prescribed medications to torture yourself because you just can’t take it anymore. You swallow every single tablet in sight to try and stop the thoughts, to get rid of your already-dead-inside corpse. When you turn round to yourself in the mirror and cry for hours at your reflection because you despise every inch of your being when you cling onto everything you love in your life even though you’ve pushed it away so far it’s too late. When you wake up in the morning in tears because you woke up again to face another day of torture, only then can you say you understand."

1st February 2012, Copyright of Kat.

No Tears Shall Fall - Suicide Note. TW

No tears shall fall from your eyes,
I won’t leave you forever wondering why,
The least I can do for you is try,
So here is the story about a butterfly,

The butterfly was once a strong caterpillar,
Eating leaves, anything that could fill her,
Happily munching, surrounded by friends,
She never thought that this could all end,

Depression struck the happy creature,
She isolated herself, no-one could reach her,
Lying, crying, day by day,
Struggling through, thought suicide was the way,

Nevertheless she held on for a little longer,
Everyone around her was growing stronger,
Becoming stags and lions, strong and proud,
She lay in her cocoon, safe from the crowd,

Months went by and eventually she grew,
A small, frail butterfly, fragile and new,
Bursting out, setting herself free at last,
Suddenly remembering her gritty past,

Thinking, sinking, deeper into depression,
Everything leaving a raw indentation,
‘I can’t do this anymore’ she cried,
No-one could say she hadn’t tried,

She tied a rope around her throat,
Stood on the branch in her winter coat,
She looked to the sky and leapt to her death,
It got tighter and tighter, stole her breath,

Hours went by and her mum called her name,
Though she had a funny feeling things weren’t the same,
She went to the garden with a pain in her chest,
Nothing could prepare her for what she saw next,

Her little girl hanging there, suspended by a rope,
The girl that had been neglected by that thing called, Hope,
She doesn’t scream or cry, just goes numb,
Doesn’t know what to say, simply overcome,

Father comes out to witness the scene,
He rapidly turns a shade of green,
Walks slowly to her side, cutting her free,
It’s too late, she’s gone, let it be,

They lay her on the ground, she just lays still,
‘She will wake up, she will, she will!’
The butterfly does not breathe or stir,
She’s gone away which they all prefer,

With the burden gone, the family are free,
A happy future they can finally see,
The butterfly couldn’t have loved them more,
But she felt she had nothing worth living for…

Iloveyou <3

When you’re so scared you can’t breathe,
You’re so sad you can’t dream,
The thoughts inside your head won’t leave,
When nothing is like it seems.

You’re so tired you can’t sleep,
Just pull the covers over your head
So numb inside, you can’t weep,
Shut your eyes tight, you’re somewhere else instead.

All around you there are smiles,
Friends and family, mother and child,
Laughter, tears and once-a-whiles,
While all your thoughts are running wild.

You’re trapped inside your own head,
Lying there at night just staring,
Everyone including you, wishing you were dead,
She’s on your shoulder, nostrils flaring,

YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG LOOK AT YOU
She screams in your ear at the top of her voice,
YOU’RE FAT, YOU’RE UGLY, YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE
You know she’s right, but you have a choice.

Starving and dancing, the perfect cure,
Burning the calories, sweating it out,
You know it works, you did it before!
Nobody needs to know what it’s all about.

Looking in mirrors every time that you pass,
Staring at your body, your face,
You know it’s true, you’re an ugly lass,
Someone gorgeous will just take your place,

Come on, take those pills, get the code,
Take that blade beside you there,
Before on yourself you just implode,
Quick, get it over with, no-one would care,

But this is where the story twists,
You just don’t know whether to end it all;
Drag the blade across your wrists,
Or stand up every time that you fall?

So many people have faith in you,
Yet you have no ounce of it in yourself,
No matter what it is that you do,
That everything gets better, even your health,

But you don’t want to recover, you know that much,
Want to stay childlike and tiny, faceless and empty,
You just have no faith, no confidence, no belief as such,
How much do I have to scream out for people to help me?

Copyright, October 14th 2012.

Walk up the stairs, shut the door
Throw your jumper, on the floor,
Go to your hiding place and find,
The pieces of metal which help you unwind,

Grab your tissues, a wet flannel and it,
On the bed, exhausted, you sit,
Sighing, dying, sick of trying,
You beg and beg but you’re not crying.

Drag the blade across your arm,
‘Come on, harder, it’ll do you no harm’
Looking down, you see the blood,
In a rush, all of your feelings flood,

Out of the hole you’ve left in your skin,
Where the perfect complexion had once been,
Revealing a bright red river cascading down,
All those feelings; you’re going to drown.

Sighing now you lift your head,
‘Nothing’s good enough’ they all said,
Bleeding, pleading, every night in your mind,
But nothing’s spoken, everything confined,

Staring down at your canvas of art,
Blood continues to pump from your heart,
Trickling, crawling, out from your skin,
You feel no better now, you just can’t win.

Over your wounds you wrap the tissue,
Suddenly thinking, no-one would miss you,
Taking the tissue off once more,
You rip harder, you want to make the blood pour,

Deeper and deeper you try to go,
‘Come on’ it said ‘You’re going too slow!’
Stressed, depressed, you try and fight it off,
When you give in and tear, you see the tissues within.

‘Shit’ you think, as the blood comes to the surface,
Dabbing and padding, the cut, you’re nervous,
That the blood will continue to pour and not clot,
And the feelings that pour out will fester and rot.

 Copyright, October 6th 2012